Dr. Steven Rogelberg is a Chancellor’s Professor at UNC Charlotte and former president of the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology.
Dealing with an angry colleague or direct report can be tricky. Here’s a host of strategies — identified in research to employ in such situations — and those to avoid.
First, let’s start with what not to do in the face of an angry party.
1. Share your viewpoint promptly.
2. Immediately inform the person when you hold a different opinion.
3. Without delay, convey your thoughts on why you believe they are incorrect.
4. Express your disapproval of their angry reaction.
5. React instantly by showing your immediate emotions.
By avoiding these actions, you prevent escalation and feeding the anger fire. These strategies are too reactive and can create defensiveness.
Instead, here’s what you should do.
1. Request an explanation from the other party regarding the reason for their anger.
2. Listen attentively to the other party’s perspective.
3. Motivate the other party to articulate their emotions.
4. Ask probing questions to delve deeper into the matter.
5. Demonstrate empathy toward the other party’s viewpoint on the situation.
6. Assume responsibility where relevant and offer an apology for your role in the situation.
These six strategies are designed to help you learn and better understand the situation before any type of reaction or counsel. They capture the importance of acquiring what is underlying the anger in a way that makes the other party feel heard and understood. This action in and of itself can serve to diffuse the anger. Furthermore, the knowledge gleaned helps you identify what your response and approach should be to the anger.
If you feel ready and the other party seems to have cooled down, you can decide to engage on the spot. Or, it could be best to take a pause and return to the situation after a bit of time has passed: “Thank you for sharing what is on your mind. Let’s take a pause. Let me reflect more on your comments, and I will circle back in no time.”
I do want to note that if the other party was highly inappropriate when expressing their anger, that can be discussed at a later date as well. However, if anything violates your company’s code of conduct, you may want to take action sooner rather than later.